Inside the mind of Jasper
by Droobles92
Summary: Ever ponder what went through Jaspers head that fateful day he tried to attack Bella? What his view on Edward and Bella’s relationship is? Why it’s so hard for him to resist human blood? This is what I personally think goes through Jasper Cullen’s mind.


**_Jaspers Journal, Keep out._**

**Being on this earth so long and, may I add, not being able to sleep; you come across some (ok many) moments in which you are overcome with boredom. Therefore writing a journal should pass some time. May I add also that, journals are not only to be written in by females. Being a male and having a journal does not take away any masculinity what so ever. Men have feelings to. **

**How should I start this journal….. **

**I was euphoric for Edward; every member of the Cullen family was, with the exception of Rosalie. Everyone else in the coven had a partner. Carlisle had Esme, Emmett had Rose and I had my beloved Alice. Edward's life was a never-ending night, full of loneliness and solemnity. When Bella bounded into his life, it was as if the sun had finally broke dawn, filling Edward's life with majestic golden, auburn rays. It was as if the heart in his chest that had been dead for ninety plus years, suddenly swelled inside his chest and filled his mind, body, and life with a never-ending happiness. He has a certain sparkle in his eyes whenever he is around Bella. I'm not sure how to describe it, but picture two blazing suns rising over the ocean, turning the water bright butterscotch. **

**Edward could have had any girl he wanted. Yet, this would be impossible for the fact that Edward and Bella were destined for each other since the beginning. Quite frankly, any of us Cullens could have selected whom we wanted as a partner. Physically we all are very attractive. One, who looks tempting to their prey, makes things a lot easier. Our faces, bodies, voice, and our smell are alluring to the humans! We could make just about any human melt before our very eyes using our good looks and charm. But by fate all of us found our true love. I will never depart from Alice. She is the core to my being, my reason for everything. I can understand Edward's position on his feelings with Bella.**

**Things feel different when you have found your true partner. You would put your life in danger to protect them. You constantly want to be with them. When you are isolated from each other for any given time, you are torn in the core of your being, as if a hole you never knew never existed suddenly begins to ache right in your chest. You feel as if someone is tearing you apart, making that hole bigger and bigger until you cannot believe the loneliness and suffering you feel could get any worse. It gets to the point where you have to wrap your arms around yourself in fear that if you let go you will crumple and waist away into nothingness. **

**I guess when you find your true partner it is, "The person you want to grow old with and spend the rest of your life with", wait (chuckling) in a vampires perspective its more like, " The person you want to spend eternity with". It was exactly these feeling Edward felt for Bella. I felt such love and excitement coming from Edward whenever he was around her. He was always in high spirits and genial more than ever.**

**He had finally found his partner.**

**The only thing is Bella's human. Quite frankly I don't know how Edward handles being so close to her, cuddling and kissing her. Maybe it's just me; I am constantly reminded I'm the weakest in my family when it came to restraining my desire to feast upon human blood. I try the best I can, but I find my self constantly battling with the hunger. I start plotting my attack, imagining the smell, the taste, ugghh! I cant t think about that right now, I try my best to resist these despicable thoughts.**

**The monster in my throat would always be burning and scratching to get out when I was around humans, luckily I have Alice, without her that side of be would have devoured me completely, leaving me a monster of the night. **

**Bella is a nice, sincere girl. I would describe her as bubbly at some points. She is blossoming with pure, un-tampered love that has never been able to release itself in its most lucid form. I like her and, believe that she is warm (warm in both cases of her body and her spirit) and loving. She seems to attract trouble, I mean she is (in my eyes and in the eyes of everybody else, except Rose) a member of a vampire family, how much more trouble could she bring upon herself? Good thing she has Edward or by now she would have been six feet below the ground, pushing up daisies, and, I don't think it would have had anything to do with us Cullens. (Chuckling) One of Bella's many talents includes the ability to trip over air or smack into trouble where the crime rate is below one percent.**

**The way Bella thinks is different from any other human I have ever known. She is extraordinary. She always thinks of other people's safety and well being before her own. This is an astounding and rare quality to have. Edward cannot read what Bella is thinking, and this is the first person in which this happened, and quite frankly nobody knows why. **

**I can feel the compassion and love radiating off of Bella with Edward and vise versa with my interesting talent. I can feel, change, or alter the mood or feelings of anyone. **

**Bella is a unique individual. I recall the time Alice, Bella, and myself were waiting in the hotel in Phoenix to be told what to do, figuring out a plan on how to capture James and keep Bella safe. I was using my talent to calm everybody down; it was amazing the emotions that were coming from Bella. She was not scared or frightened for herself; she was concerned and scared of everybody but herself. She kept on repeating things such as "make sure you be careful." She was ever so worried about the security and well being of her father Charlie, and later I found out her mother. **

**I feel like I am in a constant battle against that deplorable monster lurking on the edges of my being, any time I am in a mile radius of Bella. The smell of her drives me to insanity. Her blood is rich and sweet, like a flourishing, thriving flower. When she blushes I find the glands in my mouth start raining heavily. Her face turns crimson, the sweet blood filling her face with the horrid bait that the monster inside me wants to take.**

**I often found myself distancing myself from her whenever she was around, I did not want to do anything foolish. I don't want to come across as distant or un-accepting (Rosalie for example) but Edward warned me before hand of Bella's alluring scent, and made me swear to keep a distance. Every human pretty much smells the same to me, except for a handful of humans that smell (taste) simply scrumptious. Any small fragment of blood revealed sends off a blaring alarm telling me to attack! Attack! Attack! All sense is instantly ripped away and I am only thinking on instinct. Absolute bloodlust……..**

**At these inexplicable, monstrous thoughts Edward (if around) would usually voice a low growl.**

" **Damn it!" I would swear to myself internally.**

"**Heard that to." Edward would retort.**

**After these thoughts I am washed over by a wave of shame. I apologize immediately and hang my head low to show Edward I am deeply sorry. He forgives me; every one of us knew how tempting Bella and other humans are. It is the hardest for me.**

**I wasn't always in Carlisle's coven. In my human years I was in the civil war, unfortunately I was killed in the battle of Gettysburg. After the battle, members of the Alianora clan searched the battlegrounds to find partners or semi-fresh blood. They feasted on human blood. The Alianora clan is a unique clan consisting of only females. The leaders name is Alianora, and it turned out she found me "alluringly handsome" because she decided to change me. Let me add I did not share the same feeling as Alianora; Alice is my one and only love. **

**When I woke after being shot I concluded I was in hell. In the utter most obscurity, pain seized through my body. It was most painful, agonizing feeling I had ever felt in my human life. I shrieked in pain. Through the ear-splitting ringing in my head I detected the faint giggles belonging to a group of women. Do you hear the giggles of women in hell? I pondered. I decided to open my eyes to spot the source of the laughter. My eyes burned as if on fire upon opening them. I saw a sinister face of women ( oh excuse me, vampires) gazing down on me. I must have had a hint of question in my eyes because a woman (Alianora) replied,**

"**Don't worry the pain will ease in a day, you were knocked out for a two days already, I thought the pain would have woken you before, it woke me…she trailed of looking into the forest deep in thought. She then fixed the gaze of her ruby red eyes upon me again. "I will answer your questions after you are fully changed and out of delirium, trust me during the next day the only sounds I will hear from you is shrieks of pain, and gibberish" she chuckled." "Tootles" she announced. With a wave and a swift movement she was out of sight. Through my horrid pain I was scared. **

**What the hell was she talking about ? I pondered.**

**The rest of the night and proceeding day was pure agony, especially during the day. I was constantly in a cold sweat; my body was in a seizure constantly. Twice throughout the day I had convulsions. The second convulsion was the worst. My body shook more vigorously than before, It seemed I was taking a bath in my sweat, the ringing in my head finally reached its peak and I screamed in pain, and frustration wanting to hear my own voice but failing, due to the drumming in my ears. It was as if someone was stabbing me in my chest over and over again. I shirked and writhed until the pain ceased, any second I assumed the pain would rush back, but it didn't. The heat from my body drained like water draining from a sink when the plug is pulled. I could no longer hear the comforting thump thump thump thump of my heart reassuring me I was alive and not dead. I looked at my hands, the color was fading away leaving me a pale, drab ashen white. I was scared and confused. Before I could begin to get up Alianora was at my feet, the clan behind her.**

**This is such an upsetting memory in which I do not wish to bring up…**

**But this is the reason it is so hard for me to resist human blood, I spent most of my existence feasting upon human blood with the notion it was ok. **

**Today is Bella's birthday! How quickly the time has passed, writing really does pass the time, and how lost I find myself in my own words just like a woman you find enjoying a piece of chocolate, her thoughts on the scrumptious, silky chocolate; relishing that piece in her mouth wanting to savor every second of it, like how I ponder on what I am writing, interesting…**

**I must go and meet Bella at the door, we (the Cullens) are throwing a surprise party for her 18th birthday. Alice and Esme had such fun decorating, cooking and shopping for the celebration, making sure everything was perfect. If I am late to greet her I will never hear the end of it. Good bye for now.**

As I put my journal underneath the mattress (of coarse vampires don't sleep but one does use a bed for other significant purposes when in a relationship) I heard the creak of the bulky doors opening downstairs. With a swift movement I was through the hallway, down the stairs and into the living room were the rest of my family was waiting when Bella stuck her head in. _That was to close _I scolded.

"Happy Birthday Bella!" we chanted. Bella looked down flushing as usual, turning her face a menacing shade of burgundy. From the feelings I sensed coming from her, I concluded she was not content at all. Alice had told me driving home from school that Bella was not ecstatic about turning eighteen.

Everybody (even Rosalie) was happy to be celebrating a birthday since we had not celebrated one in such a long time. They had decorated the house with vibrant pink roses and majestic Japanese lanterns. Alice had made sure to cover any flat surface with pink candles and stunning crystal bowls that glistened when light struck them. Of coarse knowing my Alice she filled the bowls with vivacious pink roses as well. Though the thought of being older than Edward upset Bella, knowing her she would not spoil our fun. Some how I had the idea that Alice had swayed her into coming. (Chucking internally) _Alice can persuade about anybody to do as she wants, or maybe it's just me… _

Next to Edward's piano there was a table with a white cloth draped over it holding Bella's pink birthday cake (Alice had slaved over that cake for 7 hours, she had never really cooked before, so I helped her with the recipe and finding the ingredients. For I loved to watch her work, she would be covered in flour, which to me added to her beauty, I had a hard time keeping my hands to myself, she was the most scrumptious treat yet.), more roses, a stack of glass plates, and a small pile of silver-wrapped presents.

Edward was standing next to her, arm around her waist; he must have sensed her distress because he kissed her on top of her head. _I don't know how he does it._ I pondered. Esme hugged Bella vigilantly and kissed the top of her forehead as well. Carlisle put his arm around her shoulder. _Will I always be the weakest in my family_? I wished I could go up to Bella and give her a brotherly hug and wish her a hearty happy birthday, but even where I stood Bella's sent was intoxicating.

Alice sensed I was upset and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. I glanced at her and found myself drowning in her stunning auburn eyes. Carlisle's voice to my dismay broke our connection saying "Sorry about this, Bella, we couldn't rein Alice in." Alice's eyes danced with laughter at these words and she smiled, teeth sparkling in the bright light.

Rosalie and Emmett stood behind Esme and Carlisle. Rose was happy to be celebrating a birthday even if it was Bella's, though she didn't show it. ( Rose envies Bella to the point where she almost loathes her. Rose so badly wishes she were human.) Rose did not smile as Emmett did.

"You haven't changed at all" Emmett teased. " I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett" she said blushing deeper. _Stop Making Her Blush!!_ I cried mentally. Edward shot me an ominous glance and then went back to watching Bella.

Emmett Laughed, "I have to step out for a second "-he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice - he then said " Don't do anything funny while Im gone".

" I'll Try" Bella said.

Alice then let go of my hand and danced over to where she stood. I leaned against the post at the foot of the stairs and smiled at Bella then averted my gaze back to Alice's graceful movements.

"Time to open presents!" Alice declared. She put her hand under Bella's elbow and towed her toward the table with the pink cake and shiny silver packages. _O how Alice gets her way!_ I thought chuckling. Bella tried on her best Martyr face and wined "Alice I told you I didn't want anything-" _How can anybody be so stubborn! Who doesn't like presents? Ha! I wonder how this is going to blow over with Alice. This is Great! As a human would say… where's the popcorn?_

"But I didn't listen" she interrupted, smug. "Open it " she ordered. With that she took the camera from Bella's hands and replaced it with a big, square silver box. _I'd like to see Bella get out of this ! _

Bella gave in, of course, and Self- consciously tore off the paper and stared at the box concealing it. _I wonder what she's going to say when she discovers what's inside_!

She opened the box with a growing curiosity, when she saw it revealed zilch she uttered, "Um…thanks"

I felt laughter and amusement radiating from Rosalie and to my astonishment she cracked a smile. I couldn't help laughing as I explained " It's a stereo for your truck, Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

Bella beamed contently as she said " Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie" then louder "Thanks Emmett." I heard Emmett's booming hearty laugh coming from Bella's truck. Everybody agrees Emmett's Laughter is contagious; I couldn't help being jovial as well. Bella Laughed.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice declared. At these words Bella turned and gave Edward a basilisk glare while stating " You promised". Emmett interrupted, bounding through the door crowing "Just in time!"

He pushed in behind me; I found that I had drifted closer with out even noticing to get a better look.

"I didn't spend a dime" Edward assured her brushing a stand of hair from her face. That little waft of air hit me with full force, filling my lungs with the sweet sent of her blood, causing the glands in my mouth to rain. I turned rigid as I fought of the monster that begun to claw at my throat. Everybody in the room was focused on Bella as she gave in, taking the little package and rolling her eyes. I stood watching the rapid rising and falling of the artery's in Bella's neck accompanied with the thump thump thump thump of her heart sending that rich blood through her body. Through the corner of Edwards's eyes he spotted me. Then the time moved in slow motion, by fate, as Bella stuck her finger under the paper and jerked it under the tape, the paper sliced her finger. As she examined the damage a single drop of her luscious scarlet blood oozed from the cut, filling the room with her intoxicating delicious scent. A Blaring alarm went of in my head, as all my sense of right and wrong was ripped away and I gave in to my inner monster. _Just one bite! _I screamed internally as I lunged at Bella. The thought of tasting that delicious blood poisoned my mind to thinking only one thing…absolute bloodlust.

Time then moved in fast forward to make up for the time gone by slowly. Edward threw himself at Bella while roaring "NO!", flinging her across the table with the result of Bella landing in a mess of shattered crystal.

Letting lose a grisly snarl furious at Edward for coming between my meal and I, I put all my force into Edward trying to get past him to the blood I had craved for so long. Delicious, sensational, blood! Emmett then grabbed me from behind locking me in his massive steel grip. I was outraged! I kicked and struggled to get out of his grip. _Just one bite! All I want is Bella! LET GO!_ The monster in me scratched and burned in my throat to the point where I swore it was turning to a pulp. I wanted to satisfy it! _WHY WON'T HE LET ME GO! _I thought thrashing to get lose.

Bella scent intensified. I fought even harder to get out of Emmett's arms of steel as ripe blood squirted from her arm where the crystal had punctured and cut her delicate skin….

All I could hear was the melodic thump thump thump thump of Bella's heart. Rose Stepped in front of me then. I was furious. I snarled and tried to gnaw her stunning face off, but she kept a safe distance. They wrestled me out the door where Esme held it open. When we were through the door I continued to thrash wanting to get free to that delectable blood that awaited me in the room beyond, but I was sadly out numbered. As they dragged me into the yard I began to breath more steadily, the scent of Bella's blood still hung in the air but not as potent as before. I stopped trying to free myself from my family's grip and willingly allowed them to pull me further into the yard. When we were about to enter the forest that lay beyond our yard suddenly what had just happened hit me with full force. I stopped breathing. _How could I allow myself to_ _rage so savagely out of control_! I chastised myself internally. Thinking I was through thrashing Emmett, Rose, and Esme's grip fell slack. I heaved with all my force, got loose, and ran at full speed into the forest knocking anything that was in my way down. _What had I done?_

_**To be continued…**_

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Author of Twilight and New Moon is Stephanie Meyers.


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